If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
