i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
A+ Viking dick
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
