Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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