i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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