i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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