You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
