the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
