I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
