So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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