It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
