My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
