I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
