you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
