True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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