I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
