i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
