Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
