yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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