Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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