My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
