I look better un-naked...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
