i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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