hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
