i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
