Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
