Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
