Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
