dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
