i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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