smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
