My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
