haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
