I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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