nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
