my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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