Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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