She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
