my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sorry my hands just texted you
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
