the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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