Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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