Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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