after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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