Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up under a house in Key West
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
