Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
