you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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