It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
