Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
