If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
