She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
