I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just fell off a train. Bad.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
