Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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