weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
